finding my heart

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have you ever lost your heart and thought it was gone forever?

you can’t remember the exact moment someone took it from you or if it’s been unravelling itself—unbeknownst to you—since the first person you met.

that maybe the aching was always there, and it just took something catastrophic for you to notice it. 

for you to feel.

and from that point forward life became about feeling everything, 

but, then you lacked the lexicon necessary to explain the mystery of your life. 

how there was an internal side to living that began with a realization that

snowballed into feeling and you can’t figure out if you are crazy because no one else is confirming that their heart has gone missing and that the gaping hole that remains loses significant amounts of blood each day causing an unprecedented lightheartedness.

is that how escapism was born? 

a broken heart that led to an anti-gravity addiction? 

a world reliant upon synthetic sensation or void of any sensation at all?

maybe that’s how we find our hearts.

maybe hurt is on purpose. 

maybe hurt is what brings the parts of ourselves we don’t want to see into focus. 

maybe what we once assumed was someone else’s responsibility to fix, enhance, make our lives better was a part of us figuring out that no one can do that for us but ourselves. 

so maybe we have to get lost to get found, 

maybe divine creation does not chastise or control us. 

but prays for us. 

prays from the moment we take our first breath that this rugged path of life will not lead us to solid ground. 

it prays for the thunder to reveal the blessings of the sun

it pokes tiny holes in our hearts so we feel what it means to bleed.

so we can pick at those scabs until we gain enough discipline to allow them to turn themselves into scars, into memories of ache, into sealed frames of preserved pain. 

so we can sit upon the logs of our scars, channeling the hurt beneath our feet, transforming poison into oxygenated blood, a crimson fire whose burn counterintuitively heals. so we don’t die without passion. so our time on earth isn’t spent in vain. so each step becomes an opportunity for humility. an opportunity to be in 3 places at once to inform the next step we take. 

whether its time to sit or stay. 

we don’t know where we’re going if we can’t tap into where we’ve been.