a holistic approach to living life

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7-9-18

he makes me better. 

a processor that’s always running in the back of my mind is how i feel about jacob. 

how do i verbalize the nebulous circuit of feelings and explain our relationship?

 

(especially since i believe that the honest portrayal of a modern relationship needs a voice). 

this is a part of a larger something; a reflection of my writing style. 

jacob is editing my book for me. 

he is attributing the glimpses of waking hours he has to himself to help me. 

last week, amidst the throng of feeling, we had a passionate discussion. 

some voices were raised, over perfectly barbecued steaks and a surprisingly good $11 bottle of organic chilean wine, about the method by which i conduct my life. 

how i allow feeling to assume control of my day. 

how i can let the negative hijack my perspective into determining my subsequent moments as so overwhelmingly difficult that I become paralyzed into non-action and self-defeat. 

i allowed him to bring these ideas to my attention. 

we went back and forth a few times before i finally burst into tears. 

“that’s just the way i am!”

“i feel. 

i fucking feel so much all the time. 

and i don’t fully know what to do with it yet! 

 

that’s my process...

i’m figuring it out by allowing the feelings to come. and the more they come, the more familiar they are and the better i am getting at knowing how to let them pass through unaffected… 

OK?!”

he sat there.

evidently affected by my ardent response, yet allowing it to marinade. 

“i haven’t even cried like this since i can remember! i haven’t even been crying...”

the tears dwindled. 

he waited a second before articulating his own self-reflective process...

“i guess i just don’t like it when you feel pain. and i want to be able to take that away from you.”

“who says that?!”

i couldn’t help but laugh amidst soft sobs. 

“like. who wants to do that? 

babe… 

people don’t do that; they don’t even think that about other people...”

we were wading in a puddle of love. 

our love instantly just was. 

 

palpable. visceral. raw. intuitive. messy. exhilarating. and real. 

it wasn’t methodical. 

nothing is for me. 

the only method i employ consistently is that of hindsight. 

being as present within each moment as consciously possible, which, for me, means allowing happenings to affect me. 

my move last week opened up unexpected floodgates. revealing how much I missed my gram. all the while. challenging me to adapt to a new environment, inviting the routine to surface as it may. 

all after dedicating the week before to not assuming other people’s opinions as my own, only to go to my cranial sacral appointment, and receive unsolicited news from my therapist. 

 

“so, i keep getting that you have a really big decision to make.”

 

for the next 15 minutes, she proceeded to explain what she meant. offering me the book she was reading to help her with her own creative process...

i was ultimately able to pull myself out of my relaxed state and into a sense of objectivity... once i had called jacob... once jacob reminded me of all that i had been working on… once jacob asked me if that’s how i really feel or not and i felt comfortable enough to say “no,” and “i feel like she’s projecting.” to which he responded, “i think so, too.”

his love. 

his presence. 

my experience of him is the purest of these qualities. 

and the way this story is a larger reflection of my writing style is this: 

 

we cannot extract pieces from the whole and treat them separate from the entirety of our composition.

when i experience sensations that are presently unnamed,

i am getting better at allowing the grace of time to reveal what they were to me. 

 

because we cannot see what is happening when we’re in it. 

i cannot always fully see jacob’s love for me when i’m by myself scrubbing the bathroom sink, finding a compilation of his annoyingly fine and pervasive body hairs. 

 

but, that doesn’t mean it’s not there... 

 

it’s just happening in the background. 

multiple facets of our being are happening all at once. 

we are all miraculous in this regard. 

we all have hearts that feel, minds that think, souls that guide, and bodies that move and protect. 

 

simultaneous function. 

 

thus, at any given time, one needs more attention than another. 

which is why my blog, and my books are written in a way that tells the whole story. 

a holistic approach to living life. 

not just for health, but for comprehension. 

to make sense of this world with an infinite number of answers and perspectives. 

to realize that everything you once held as truth is subject to change. 

 

that an answer that makes sense today, may not make sense a year from now. 

 

and that a grand paradigm shift is needed in order to begin encouraging each other to transform into agents of change. 

 

because time has proven that we are here to cultivate every aspect of our being, 

to realize the extent of our limitlessness, 

and to learn appreciation and gratitude for the string of moments in a chain of evolution that makes this self-realization possible.